The TrUtH According to Lisa

Women Who Think They Have It All

I am old enough to remember women burning their bras and living during times when women's roles changed drastically. A lot of it is very good. Some of it is bunk. Like this COO of Facebook who is rich enough to have an amazing career. That is great. For those single moms and poor women who can barely put food on the table, this is a non-story.

What gripes me is, when does having it all mean that you shun your responsibilities in caring for your children--be it for a father or mother? Where is the good in a career that sucks the life out of you and leaves little time or mental bandwidth for your family? The only reason a man ever could have a family and "lean into" his career was because he had a good wife. I have often wanted a wife. Someone to take care of the details of life or back when I had children when I was divorced it would have been nice to have had someone taking care of the details and have a warm, clean home and dinner on the table...pure June Cleaver style. I marveled over what I gave my ex.

It was not to be so; however, I did stay at home for 15 years and I dedicated my life to my family. My ex-husband was a CEO.  I did not want to give the raising of my children to anyone. We were poor by some standards but we chose to be one income. We did not sell out to fancy cars or fancy vacations or keeping up with the Jones'.  We did eventually have the dream home. I did not miss those precious early moments. Today, most families cannot afford to be one income, so women work more out of necessity, but something or someone has got to give.

Today, in the article on CNN they were asking what stands in the way of women rising to the top. I would say that one big piece of that puzzle is OTHER WOMEN. Some women who want to win or who choose to have careers seem to do a few things that bug me. This has been my observation about some women.

As a women who stayed at home, I was shunned by working women. For example, I was at a company picnic for my ex's company. I was sitting with a bunch of working women and in awe of the things they were doing. I was usually home with our  three kids and this was a rare view for me to see the lives of working women. Everyone was remarking who they were and what they did. Some were from the company and others were spouses of guys who worked there. It came to be my turn, I said, " I am a stay at home mom." Crickets. They literally turned their backs on me and continued to talk. Why would anyone do this? Either I was a reminder of things left undone or they figured I was an idiot. I will never know.

I also found, that once I got into the working world that women do not work together for the greater good of women. Some do, of course, but there are pockets of mean women who climb over the backs of others to get promoted. I experienced mean women in four jobs:

1) One women lied about me being gone from the office when I was out on a trip with a team from the office doing work. She wanted to get me fired. This woman was someone I had promoted into a job at this company. Someone we had interviewed and I thought was amazing. Who does this kind of thing?

2) In another job, I had problem solving job ideas and was basically told to sit down and shut up and do my job and not worry about it--as it was something outside of my job. I went ahead and got the problem fixed. I was praised by management and I got shot down in my annual review for not doing what I was told. This by a woman.

3) A boss literally lied to me on several occaisions that persons A, B, and C where unhappy with me. I went to see persons A, B, and C to appoligize and set things right and found out this was not the case and that each of them valued my attention to detail. Later this boss was submitted to a company psychologist and they were going to relieve her from the position, but that division got axed.

4) Another female director took joy making women on her team cry. She fired 12 admins in the 15 months I was there and fired half the marketing team. She fired a woman she hired for a magazine manager, for no cause, sending the woman into a tailspin because her career had never been tarnished...it was the most dysfunctional environment I ever saw and it took several more years for that director to be fired for cause.

So, women which are you? Do you help your sisters? Do you climb over their backs? Can you have it all? Probably not. I can say I have no real regrets. I think I have had it all because I put my family first, then I went for my career. I am still at the top of what I do professionally and I moved a few thousand miles so my husband and I could rejoin the lives of at least two of my kids and four grand children. Due to my divorce the kids took the hit along with me but we all landed on our feet and life is good.

If having it all means you let go of family, think again. Yes, you can have the big job and the big bucks and the BMW, and the trips to Hawaii, but if your kids grow up to be shallow and not to value love and family, why do it? There are happy mediums and what I think really needs to happen is that companies need to embrace families more. They need to value the people on their teams and not set unreasonable expectations. Happy employees make good employees.

I also wish that women would stop mirroring behavior that was not good in men and say it is ok. It sucked to be on the other end of that equation and it will suck for those on the other end of where these women are coming from. Can't we rise to the top as women and do it better? Just saying.

Ramblings about my cousin Jimmy...

We took our grandson to the movies today and after that we went to Torchy's Tacos.I sat saving the table as the boys were in line ordering food. Through the windows I watched the rain fall and had I had my cell phone I would have texted about the rain in Austin, something lame I know, but some of us text stuff like that.

Often, when I mentioned the weather, my cousin Jimmy, who passed away a few days ago, would text back his weather in south Florida.  Facebook was a lifeline to him. He had gotten an iPhone in the last year or so and quickly he had used Facebook to connect to all the cousins. Through his page I connected to a few cousins I had lost track of. It is something Facebook does very well. Facebook connects people. For all the various evils people claim Facebook is--to me, I love Facebook because it keeps me connected with friends from high school, college, friends from where I used to live, friends I have made on the Internet and family and relatives. I love it. I love seeing the photos and hearing about lives I have moved away from.

So, there I was, sitting there thinking of texting my weather, after all Austin barely gets rain, when I thought of cousin Jimmy. We were never super close over the years. He was over 10 years older and was already grown up and off to Vietnam and got his helmut shot off while I was still in junior high school. We saw him when I was a kid, while my grandmother was still alive, and before we moved as a family to California in 1973. After that, we basically lost touch, as I was on the west coast and if I got to FLorida it was to visit parents using a few scarce vacation days. There were no more reunions at Oma's house.

Jimmy found me on Facebook and invited me to be friends. Over the last months we often would chat. We talked more on Facebook than we had ever talked before. He told me about the love of his life that he never married. He worried about me going through my breast cancer. We lost an uncle this year and connected with another cousin, Sandra. All these connections are beautiful to me.

Just the week before his death, we had been chatting about how he might hook up with rich widows and marry one and live the good life. This was my agenda not his. I wanted him to have more. I suggested that since he had been a limo driver why not offer a service to drive widows around in their RVs. I thought it would be great for him to travel, see the country and get some nice widow lady to fall in love. Not a bad plan, eh?

A few days later he posted that he had been ill with the flu for a few days. The next post was that something was very wrong and he was going to ER. The last message was that he was admitted to ICU. I had traveled to Florida with Wally to visit my family and was not as hooked into Facebook as I normally am. I posted to his wall asking for an update. No word followed. I feel guilty now. I should have called to follow up. I told my parents he was in the hospital, they asked how I knew and I said "Facebook." I often respond that Facebook is where I have learned about this or that.

Jimmy passed away a few days later. He was not married and had no significant other. He had a few local friends and friends and family online. His mother is 92 and recently in the hospital after she tried to shovel snow after the big snow up in New England. His brother has spent time flying from Seattle to Connecticut to help mom out. While he layed in his ICU bed, a friend tried to be with him but she was turned away because she was not family.

Tears ran down my checks for the first time thinking about Jimmy being gone. Pretty soon I was just crying and feeling like an idiot for crying in public. Jimmy may have been a bit of a loner, but he had a solid virtual community and I did care about him. When Wally came to the table I told him why I was crying. "Lisa, just the fact that you are crying shows he is not forgotten." I guess I just did not want to feel like he died alone with no one caring. It just made me so sad. Somehow, I know he knows I cared for him.

Breast Reconstruction Surgery is Now Complete

My surgery was yesterday, December 11. The surgery took less than 3 hours and the surgeon told Wally that everything went very well. I peaked under all the bandages and so far so good.

To understand more what what the surgeon did to me,  I made this crude drawing: 

 

In my first  surgery, when they packed my breast  skin with belly tissue, they also harvested skin from my stomach to put where my nipples used to be. The look was sort of Frankensteinish but not bad...He was generous with his packing but he left a keyhole shaped nipple area to allow for expanion  (see the top breast picture to understand the keyhole shape I had). Now, the tissue had all calmed down and he sew it together so I will only have one straight line under my breasts, like the second breast drawing in the picture above.

Also on my breasts, each nipple had to be created out of the new skin he had put in last time. It looks pretty strange right now as the new nipples are all swollen...I can't wait to see this part of me heal up.

I am not having much pain, just some, but most of it is on my tummy tuck scar. Here he did liposuction to smooth out my tummy more and cleaned up the scar a bit. I believe some of the lipo tissue  was used to plump things up a bit. That fat tissue will heal and become part of my breasts. 

I woke up and the hospital immediately started to pack things up...Wally was able to get me out about 1 PM. Wally drove me to our hotel and I crashed and slept for 4 solid hours. Sleep was so needed. We had the hotel for another night and they served a decent free dinner, so Wally brought me a plate. Needless to say, I am in pretty good shape. I will rest one more day and then on Friday it is back to work as usual. 

The next stage I will have with this reconstruction is the tattooing of the nipples that have been created and then I will be completely whole again. I am thankful for all the prayers everyone has offered up for me. It has helped a lot over the last 6 months in dealing with all this. Sharing this with my friends has been the best part. I am not sure if I could have done it without all the expressed love. Thank you everyone!

Breast Surgery Part Deux...

You might be wondering why I am having a second surgery. Breast reconstruction for Diep Flap breast reconstruction is three parts:

1. Initial mastectomy and rebuild (10 hours of surgery). This involved scooping out the bad breast tissue from the skin and repacking the  breast skin with tissue harvested from a tummy tuck.

2. Creation of a nipple from grafted skin tissue and cleanup and balance of new breasts. This includes cosmetic liposuction to clean up last surgery and to use the fat cells to plump up  a breast, if required. The morning of the surgery, the surgeon will mark up my body as for what he will be doing  and where.

3. Three months later, you get the nipple color tatooed on to each breast and the breasts look as good as natural breasts.

Today, Wally and I drove back down to San Antonio. We met with Amy, the RN attached to my plastic surgeon. She did my basic preop discussion. She explained how the new nipple would be created using the new skin. This surgery is way less stressful to my body than last time-- so this time I won't have to start my preop until one week from today. This means no caffiene for two weeks. This is one week before and one week after the surgery. This also means no alcohol, no meds, no vitamins for two weeks. Most of this is just fine but the no caffiene is gonna suck. Best of all I will have no drains!!!

My surgery will last for three hours. I go in at 6:30 am on December 11th and my surgery begins at 8:30. After the surgery, I will be released and we will stay an additional night down in San Antonio because I am guessing I will not feel like the two hour drive back home just yet. 

 I have put this surgery out of my mind but it is soon upon me. I was just beginning to feel like "me" again. I try to look at the bright side of my breast cancer: we got it early, I did not require radiation or chemo, I got a free tummy tuck and I will be getting free lipo...I have brand new breasts that look great so far and they are bigger and fuller than the ones I was born with, and they are all me....NO IMPLANTS.  I have written my story in my blog so my friends are aware of the type of breast reconstruction I had, and that breast reconstruction is required by law from your health insurance even if you had a mastectomy years ago (if you want it). It is part of making women whole and if you did delay, the bright spot is there are more reconstructive options offered as of today.  If you or a loved one faces this decision, I would be happy to share what I can.

 As 2012 comes to an end...I will be glad to put this year behind me. Here's to a bright and wonderful 2013!

The Big Elephant in the Room

This election showed us many things but I think the biggest thing it shows is the dysfuntion of the Republican Party. I am registered as a republican, but I vote for the candidates I think are best but the Republican Party keeps making this a hard thing to do.

I am not religious right (remember separation of church and state). Morals you teach at home and it should drive who you are as a candidate but if you talk about this stuff the press will shoot you down. And they did. I have no issues with anyone's religion but best to live it and mention it if asked but leave the details at home. If your life does not spell this out, it will not help your chances. Not anymore.

I am not a member of the Tea Party. Not sure who these folks are but they swing pretty far to the right and I want no part of that.

I am pro woman. I am not anti-gay. Anything less would make me a bigot. I am not a bigot or racist. I love people of all walks of life. Why would I want to tell people who to love or marry? I think this is a waste of time to discuss...it should be a reality. Women deserve equal pay for equal work, they deserve changes to move beyond the glass ceiling...next topic? Women should control their bodies but also we need to be responsible. Let's not have four or five abortions, more than one is  too many. No abortion should be our goal as SMART women and that because we need not embrace things that harm us.

Some social programs are great. I embrace helping the truly poor. Those we will always have. I endorse programs that move folks into solid middle and upper class via great schools, education, and hope. I actually support cradle to grave healthcare...NOT associated with a job...let's not reinvent the wheel, look around the world for the best run program and improve on it...

I do not like pitting people against each other to win elections-- that is divisive. I want big business and PAC money banned from elections. I want special favors to end. I want to pull back unnecessary military spending and government spending overseas that is bringing us no benefit. Use that money here at home to help our needy. 

I want us to be strong but I want us to stop being the bully power in the world. It is not our roll and I don't want to pay for it. I don't want our men and women to die unless the war is declared and we fight to win it. If we fight, I want all those military to be well cared for and not forgotten.

I do not want our nation to be beholden to any other nation. Our debt to China is unthinkable. We need to fix that and we need to do it now. This is my biggest fear right now, that we are heading over the fiscal cliff. I hope I am wrong but all signs point to yes. We should have rule in place that does not allow us to get here.  We should never have to repeat history.

There is a big elephant in the room. The Republican Party needs to wake up and speak to thepeople...it is largely why Obama won. He was well organized and spoke a message that resonated to the people and those people have spoken.

Caramel Apples and Sauerkraut...Fall Things....

Fall is here but you would not know it here in Austin, Texas. The days are warm, sometimes there is a delicious crispness in the air and I look for my trees and the color I adore...but that was before and this is now. No visits to the apple farm for fresh picked apples, cold apple cider, or the nut encrusted caramel apple that was our fall tradition. Occasionally, I spot some color on a tree that is not a scrubby oak, and I smile. Fall in New England is something very special and it was a joy to behold. I miss it.

Fall brings thoughts of cool crisp nights, stoking up a fire in the fireplace, warmth, home and hearth. It is the time to make soups, and stews, a pot of chili, bake bread, comfort things...and for me this includes sauerkraut with mashed potatoes. My mother made this with sauerkraut, fresh pork, caraway seeds, and onion. You add some water...it cooks together and melts the flavors and the smell of this cooking takes me back home and I see my kitchen in Cocoa Beach, Florida in my head. It is as if the scent of this food cooking opens a memory teleporter and I am immediately there, many years ago on a dim lit November evening anticipating the flavors as I dip up a scoop of mashed potatoes. I called mom and dad tonight to tell them I am thinking of them. Mom mentioned her recipe and I said, “Yes Mom, that is how I prepared it.” I could hear her smile. It is an acquired taste I know..but for me, I really love it. It speaks of fall to me, it speaks of connections that roll back from my mother to her family’s roots in Germany. It is warm and fuzzy. I baked tonight too...Snickerdoodles...mmmm...baking and fall go together too. I am wishing Jason were here to enjoy these...they are his favorite. I love fall.

Following up with my oncologist, and what she said.

Today was a big day. After three weeks, I got to discuss my pathology report with my oncologist and get her advice on what to do going forward.

First, let me say, I was very lucky. No hidden invasive cancer was found...nothing further of concern was found. Typically, with just DCISalone, there would be nothing further for me to pursue to keep healthy, except they found isolated tumor cells (ITC) in two of three lymph nodes on the left side during one of my lumpectomies.

This is very controversial. They usually do not even test nodes for DCIS, when they do, and there are ITC found, it is a curious thing because where did they come from? With DCIS, it is a closed cancer...cells do not escape. One doctor suggested I had had an invasive cancer, but my body healed itself. Thing is, cells escaped.  Cells can go places and do bad things, like metastasize in my liver or brain.

What do I do now? There are two choices. My doctor says she is conservative and will put me on a anti-estrogen drug called Aromatase. I do not know much about it. We will see how I tolerate it. If I tolerate it well, I am on it for five years. If I do not tolerate it well, I will opt off it. This drug can cause hot flashes, sweats, aches and pains, and affect bone density. That is all I know. Honestly, I hate medicine...but I suppose I need to take caution as I do not want another cancer.

My doctor also wants to continue breast imaging because she has seen people who have had my surgery still get breast cancer. I think for me that likelihood is slim to none because my cancer was stage 0. I am very lucky to avoid radiation and chemo, many women do not have that option. I also still have to find a way to effectively lose 60 pounds and I have been trying to do that for 20 years. Fat feeds cancer...it is the strongest factor in my having breast cancer at this time.

My oncologist pulled my last drain. Thank God! These drains have been the worst part of my healing over the last few weeks. I have lost the thick tummy brace I was sent home in and wearing a much more tolerable Spanx type panty girdle. I have to wear this for some time. I am also back into normal bras. Needless to say, I am much more comfortable.

I drove myself to the doctor. Wally met me there. We will return in early November. So far, so good.

Week 3 after surgery, and off meds, and back to work part-time.

It has been a long three weeks, but here I am. The first two weeks I slept a lot. The pain was never too bad with this, compared to knee pain. This is week three and I threw out the pain meds. The pain level has been too low to merit it and I wanted to start to get my head screwed back on so I can work. This week work was very nice. They told me to just ease back into things, reabsorb the project and the official hand off back to me will be next week. I am looking forward to this as my project is my baby and it is hard to let go of it. My co-worker,  Sherry, has done an amazing job for me while I was gone.

I still have one drain left. The drains are really disgusting to me. I have been lucky my husband has helped me with them because they really upset me. Once this drain is gone, then I will be feeling more like myself. Your personal concept of beauty takes a hit with this surgery.

Recently, Wally was promoted at work. As a result, he needs to be at work pretty early to handle the Eastern time zone. I really do get a lot from being near him in the mornings and having this change has been rough on me. I find that the emotions I have held in check for so long are cracking a little bit. Last night, as he was fixing my drain, he mentioned his new schedule and how he needs  to be there early I just started to cry. I felt so vulnerable. I really am wanting him around as much as possible, especially since I am home alone now for the three weeks. I am usually pretty independent, so I am sure he was surprised to see my tears. I think I will be seeing more of these tears I have denied since the beginning of dealing with the breast cancer.

As soon as the drain is out, I will have to wear a panty girdle for another solid month. Mostly, I will have to wear it during the day and anytime I do a strenuous activity. The weird support bra I got after surgery I can lose anytime now. I just need to go and be measured and buy the new size. I have to wear the bra pretty much 24 hours and I think for at least another month.

I am also stressed now because I am sick of sleeping in a recliner. I miss sleeping next to my husband. The chair is ok, but it is not half as nice as a bed. I am not allowed to sleep on my side for at least one more week.

I will need to start massaging my breasts.  I think this is something that helps the blood flow and soften up the firmness of the tissue . Remember, my new breasts are not implants. They are made from my own body tissue.

I feel like the new breasts are very heavy, I think the new tissue is dense in a different way...the breasts before were very soft, this tissue feels firm. It feels entirely natural and I have  lots of feeling all over them.

My tummy tuck is amazing. Mind you, I was not thin prior to this. The doctor also ran into an umbilical hernia he had to repair in the middle of all this. I have a new belly button and a very flat tummy and I have no bunching up on tissues as a result of all this.

So what do my breasts look like? Well, from the top down, looks pretty normal, I do not see any stitches. They reserved all my breast skin in place and just refilled it with other body tissue harvested from my tummy. Who knew I was growing brand new breasts down there?!

Now, when you go through a mastectomy rebuild, you can choose to have new nipples created or not. Mine were already misshapen due to lumpectomy surgery and while the percentage is low, the amount of breast tissue required to be left behind to ensure blood flow does leave you vulnerable to breast cancer, so I opted to not deal with that at all.

They took skin from my tummy and sewed it where my nipples were.  How can I discribe this? Imagine the shape of a flower vase that has a circle base and a u-shaped top. That is the shape of the skin used in the nipple area. The circle part is where the nipple is and under it is another v shape piece added between the regular breast skin to allow for the swelling of the tissue. That extra piece of skin will be removed later,  and the breast skin will be sewn together with a nice seam sewn strain under the nipple.  It is like looking at a fixer upper home and having the vision to see the end result...if I focus on what I see now, honestly the nipples look a bit creepy. I am glad my husband does not shun me. I can see where he could. Otherwise, they are nice and full, larger than before surgery, nice cleavage. I am trying to focus on where I will be more than where I am now.

You really have to be emotionally strong from this procedure. The prayers and good wishes from family and friends has helped me more than you know.

What is next for me? Friday, I see my oncologist and I get my pathology report from the tissue removed during surgery. That will be interesting. I am hoping the news was so good, that I will not require the hormone pill that was talked about previously. Whatever happens, I will know the plan she has for my future. I may seek a second opinion.

In about two weeks, I return to San Antonio to meet with the Plastic Surgeon again. He will look at his work of art (me) and determine what needs to be done in the tune up surgery a few months out. This time I see him I will not be in a drugged stupor as I was after surgery when he told me things that I barely recall. I am excited about that meeting.

Please feel free to ask me any questions if you want to understand this process more. I am happy to share my experience with anyone.

 

Two weeks later: Lots of mending to do....

It was two weeks ago today that I had surgery. I am doing well, but healing is slow...I continue to  sleep a lot...with bits of energy spurts in between.

This surgery is hard. I think it would be very hard to heal up without help. Thank God for my husband. He has taken up striping my drains, helping me shower, doing a lot or all the work around the house...all without complaint.

I am now down to one drain...I started with four. To me, this is one of the most depressing parts of the surgery. I am very queasy. Then it is hard to deal with the drains and go potty and not get all tangled up.

Showering is hard. There are rules for not facing the water, what kind of soap to use, keeping my arms tight to my sides...so I need help here too...not to mention that up until last night I felt very weak. It takes a while to shower me and take care of the remaining drain...I can't wait until that drain is GONE.

So, the pain is not that bad. I am off drugs more than on them...the breasts are doing ok, but this is only stage 1. During stage 2, the doctor will take this base he has created and perk them up, create the actual nipple and clean everything up. Stage 3 is tattooing the nipple coloring. Honestly, they look good as in fullness, but scary in some ways. I am glad I can picture the end of this process or I could be depressed. I am sure they will be lovely then...now I am still swollen and have some bruising. It looks very good up top in the cleavage area.

I returned to PRMA for my post op check. Dr. Nostalla is my surgeon and his nurse Amy is amazing. She said I was doing great. She was impress with my walking as I am not as hunched over as most. The hunching over comes from the tummy tuck as they pull skin down from your upper tummy to your lower tummy. Amy took out the third of four drains. She cleaned up some of the stitches. She showed me more about how to dress the wounds from the drains that were removed, padded the remaining one, gave me tons of information I need to read for what to do over the coming weeks. I am still off caffiene and wine and other products...and I will be for another two weeks. I mostly miss my cup of coffee. Amy was also glad to see me in street clothes as most ladies tend to show up in their pajamas.

My daughter had driven me to San Antonio for the appointment and I treated her to a nice lunch. My appetite is still way down. I have lost about 8 to 10 pounds...you would have thought I lost more with all I did not eat...just goes to show you I am not one to lose easily.

Most days I am up and about. I fix breakfast for Wally and I. I rest a lot. My head is still sort of foggy. I am going to try to work part-time from home next week, but that will depend on how I do the rest of this week.  For a non-napper, I sure am sleeping a lot...I so want my energy back and to be myself again. I am very happy to be on this side of the surgery.

One important point for anyone doing this surgery. Before you have it, be sure you have a recliner chair or sofa that you can get out of without using your arms to push or pull you out. You will need to hold your tummy and sit down and rise up on your own. I came home and sank so deeply in my chair I was in a panic. We padded me with pillows and then I was able to work it okay. My arms work fine, just doctor orders are not to use them as it can hurt the things he has stitched together in my breasts. You can rent a good chair that actually pushes you out of it if you need too. So far, so good...I am looking forward to sleeping in my bed again in a few weeks...as I cannot sleep on my sides for 4 weeks post surgery...

I am mending and things are going well.  Next milestone is seeing my doctor in early September. Then we book stage 2, which should be happening in November or December. I will be so happy when this is all over. This is another 3 to 4 hour surgery, but it is generally a day surgery.

I see my oncologist next week. Then, we go over my pathology report. PRMA only told me no more cancer was found. They took some lymph nodes and there was no cancer found in them either. This is all good news.

 

Two weeks later: Lots of mending to do....

It was two weeks ago today that I had surgery. I am doing well, but healing is slow...I continue to  sleep a lot...with bits of energy spurts in between.

This surgery is hard. I think it would be very hard to heal up without help. Thank God for my husband. He has taken up striping my drains, helping me shower, doing a lot or all the work around the house...all without complaint.

I am now down to one drain...I started with four. To me, this is one of the most depressing parts of the surgery. I am very queasy. Then it is hard to deal with the drains and go potty and not get all tangled up.

Showering is hard. There are rules for not facing the water, what kind of soap to use, keeping my arms tight to my sides...so I need help here too...not to mention that up until last night I felt very weak. It takes a while to shower me and take care of the remaining drain...I can't wait until that drain is GONE.

So, the pain is not that bad. I am off drugs more than on them...the breasts are doing ok, but this is only stage 1. During stage 2, the doctor will take this base he has created and perk them up, create the actual nipple and clean everything up. Stage 3 is tattooing the nipple coloring. Honestly, they look good as in fullness, but scary in some ways. I am glad I can more picture then end of this process or I could be depressed. I am sure they will be lovely then...now I am still swollen and have some bruising. It looks very good up top in the cleavage area.

I returned to PRMA for my post op check. Dr. Nostalla is my surgeon and his nurse Amy is amazing. She said I was doing great. She was impress with my walking as I am not as hunched over as most. The hunching over comes from the tummy tuck as they pull skin down from your upper tummy to your lower tummy. Amy took out the third of four drains. She cleaned up some of the stitches. She showed me more about how to dress the wounds from the drains that were removed, padded the remaining one, gave me tons of information I need to read for what to do over the coming weeks. I am still off caffiene and wine and other products...and I will be for another two weeks. I mostly miss my cup of coffee. Amy was also glad to see me in street clothes as most ladies tend to show up in their pajamas.

My daughter had driven me to San Antonio for the appointment and I treated her to a nice lunch. My appetite is still way down. I have lost about 8 to 10 pounds...you would have thought I lost more with all I did not eat...just goes to show you I am not one to lose easily.

Most days I am up and about. I fix breakfast for Wally and I. I rest a lot. My head is still sort of foggy. I am going to try to work part-time from home next week, but that will depend on how I do the rest of this week.  For a non-napper, I sure am sleeping a lot...I so want my energy back and to be myself again. I am very happy to be on this side of the surgery.

One important point for anyone doing this surgery. Before you have it, be sure you have a recliner chair or sofa that you can get out of without using your arms to push or pull you out. You will need to hold your tummy and sit down and rise up on your own. I came home and sank so deeply in my chair I was in a panic. We padded me with pillows and then I was able to work it okay. My arms work fine, just doctor orders are not to use them as it can hurt the things he has stitched together in my breasts. You can rent a good chair that actually pushes you out of it if you need too. So far, so good...I am looking forward to sleeping in my bed again in a few weeks...as I cannot sleep on my sides for 4 weeks post surgery...

I am mending and things are going well.  Next milestone is seeing my doctor in early September. Then we book stage 2, which should be happening in November or December. I will be so happy when this is all over. This is another 3 to 4 hour surgery, but it is generally a day surgery.

I see my oncologist next week. Then, we go over my pathology report. PRMA only told me no more cancer was found. They took some lymph nodes and there was no cancer found in them either. This is all good news.

 

Sugery is over...one week later...

A week ago, I arrived in San Antonio with my daughter and daughter-in-law...my plans were to treat them to a nice dinner, but the eve before surgery found me without appetite. I had really withdrawn inside myself. The surgery was daunting...we had a nice enough time but went back to the hotel and I was in bed by 9:30...

I was the first one up, I showered...knowing it would be a few days before I would feel the warm water at my back and I knew my hair would be dirty soon enough...and I waited pensively, and the girls took me to the hospital. This part was uneventful. Signing in was easy. Jen snapped a picture of me as I sat quietly waiting for my name to be called. I had already accepted that surgery would be over before I was aware...and so just hoped the slight allergies that were aggravating me would not be an issue...I had some drainage, but still not a big deal...what I did not consider was how that was going to go into my lungs during surgery and cause me some grief.

Soon, I was gathered up. The tech did a good job putting in the IV...the anesthesiologist dropped by...and I don't remember much else...until I woke up on the other side...this was a tough blurr...I was out for nearly 10 hours...the surgery was complicated by them finding an umbilical hernia, which the doctor fixed during the tummy tuck part of what they did to me. So, here is roughly what was done to me:

The doctor removed the breast tissue while reserving the skin of my breasts.
Tissue was harveted from my tummy and moved up to my breasts and the skin refilled. The hernia was fixed, a new belly button made, and I got a generous tummy tuck....all within about 10 hours.

When I woke, my throat was dry and sore. There were issues intibating me, that is the pipe they put in your throat after you are asleep, plus I swallowed a lot of flem, so I awoke to cough and coughing is not fun with a tummy tuck...so they helped me to cough and it was obvious I was going to have some breathing issues. I am going to keep this short tonight, as my iPad blew up in the middle of this and I had to copy to an email and move to my desktop...it is a pain when tools fail, especially when I am weak.

My kids were waiting for me when I woke up, I could not keep my eyes open, and my voice failed me due to the intibation, I needed ice to talk...my room was not ready for me. I waved to my son to let him know I knew he was there....

When I got to my room, my daughter in law and daughter took turns through the night to be with me...they fed me ice chips...the nurses checking my new breasts for blood flow...I slept most of the last week, only feeling a bit more myself today. Does this feel like I been hit by a truck, yes! I am otherwise fine...the pain is manageable and I am on the mend. More to come as I have more energy....

Entering the last stretch...surgery is August 1.

Well, I have met with my surgeon and I traveled back down to San Antonio for the pre-op talk and blood work. Wally and I sat for over an hour getting prepped on what to do. It is a lot to take in. For starters, I was told no alcohol, no caffeine, no vitamins, no pills except Tylonol. Wash with Dial anti-bacterial soap all over night before. Buy men's T-shirts and cut them up the middle to use under the garments I will have to wear post surgery. After I wake up, I will be wearing a special bra and a ginormous girdle to hold my tummy in. This is the easy stuff.

The hard stuff is I will have four drains attached to me. They will have to be measured and drained 3x per day for N weeks. In my stomach, I will have a medicine ball attached through a fine line...this is to kill the pain. How I feel when I wake up depends on me. Stories I have read vary from feeling like you are hit by a truck to it not being a big deal. One thing about women, most of them try to sugar coat so you never know what to expect...like when I gave birth...no one ever said it would be hell...haha...and it was pretty damn hard...as I had 9 pound plus babies...except for the last one, but she was still 8 pounds 7 ounces--on her due date and induced.

I also must buy button up the front tops, and loose garments as I will not be able to reach up or lift or do a lot of things for a few long weeks. I will have to sleep in a recliner for over one month, propped up with pillows, as I can no longer sleep in my normal fetal position until I heal.  I will only be having fluids until my digestive system is moving again...I guess after 8 hours...things can get weird with that.

Wally will not be with me when I go under, he has a big business thing to go to. His choices were, sit on his butt and worry about me while I am out for a day or so, or finish his meeting. I said have fun at your meeting. He will show up Friday night. My daughter Jen, and my daughter in law Sue will be with me. We arrive Friday night and I hope to take them out for a nice dinner. The next morning they drop me off at 6:30 and I go under at 8:30 am. Jen should have my phone and I am hoping she will post the updates of when I go under and when I wake up and how I am doing. At some point I can do that myself...

It is all pretty daunting. I am pretty numb, but the reality of this is, I have no choice. This must be done to avoid further cancers and to avoid as much chemicals as I can. We still do not know if they found it all, so this will be a sure way to know. Breast cancer is not an exact science as I have found out.

Tonight, is my Boob Voyage party...house cleaners are here, window cleaners coming later...food ordered, wine and beer is chilling...so it should be a great time...friends have made this journey so far a decent one...your love and kind words have floated me along above the sadness I could dwell in. In a few more days, I may get down...or have deeper moments...but I keep telling myself that losing it won't change things or help things. So, keep holding me up dear friends...it helps more than you know.

The insurance question: national health care or what we have now?

I will be the first to admit, I do not understand everything about this issue. But, I may have a different perspective than some. If you are wealthy, or have a good job with a decent insurance policy, you likely want the type of medical insurance system we have now. Deductibles are rising, even for good companies and  for folks with so called good jobs. I know for my husband and myself our deductible choices were 3ooo, or 5000 per year--so we picked Wally's policy--as it left more money in our pocket. Guess what, at this rate, deductibles will be 10,000 probably in five years. I do not think many of us will be wanting insurance as we know it if it costs that much. We can afford it today, but how much will it cost tomorrow?

Twenty years ago, when I was on my own after a long term marriage, I briefly bought my own very good Blue Cross policy. It cost me about 100 per month. Today, that same policy would cost me well over 1000 dollars and more with the deductable. I don't know about you, but I am not made of money.

Let's do a comparison. Take two people. Raised about the same way in similar middle to upper middle class homes. One grew up and has a good job, it comes with a good insurance policy. The other person, equally educated, works very hard, but has a few health issues and cannot hold down a 9 to 5 job and has no insurance or very substandard one. Good person, raised well, but because of our system, they are in a pickle.

So, here I am, I have breast cancer...I have a friend who  needs a biopsy. We are like mirror people. Both hard working, educated, not folks who do not give back to society. I have good insurance, she does not.  I get care without thinking about it, her insurance wants to pay only a fraction against an $8000 procedure. Then what?  If like me, the biopsy warrants more tests what does she do? After a biopsy, there could be a lumpectomy, and after that she could need what I am going for...what about my friend?

Looking at this situation, I had an ah ha moment. I realized this country is great if you are rich in a job or rich in insurance. If you do not have a good job, or even if you do have a decent job but they have a bad policy you are toast. Our medical system is for the rich. Either that or you work for the government.

I had a cable man working on my network. He was a young man. He told me he had to work 6 months before ATT gave him healthcare. Is he of any less value than me? Is my friend? This is why I  hate job associated health insurance because it is not fair. 

You see, I am not a liberal, or any label. If anything, I am a libertarian but from the practical side, I see the need for a government type system divorced from jobs, and alloted to everyone. Okay, maybe that will degrade the quality of the overall situation for me. Maybe, I have to wait to have this or that, but I am willing to take that if my friend does not have to worry at night if she has insurance that will care for her in her time of need or to provide insurance for that cable man and his family.

I am sorry if this upsets some of my friends but I do not see any argument that makes what I suggest a bad idea. If we stay the course, if we throw out Obama care--and I do think that is heavily flawed--it won't be long until we have backed our free choice butts into a corner no one will like. My idea for healthcare was to look around the world to find a system done right and copy that method, but seems we are bent on wasting time and dollars and reinvent the wheel, and at that doing a poor job.

You do not have to go far to see many folks, like my friend, many who are hard working and under insured...this is now the new cast system...first it was job class...now, it is an insurance class. It is a country that is made up of the haves and the have nots and many of us never saw this coming. Many are in a worse than normal state due to lost jobs and decimated savings and retirement plans, with lost homes or home equity and are finding out now what we are the perverbial shits out of luck.

I know health insurance costs money and money does not grow on trees, but we are a great enough nation to figure this out. People should not live in fear of sickness or death because they have no insurance. It just isn't right. If you can turn your cheek and watch your friends and neighbors suffer...well, I hope you sleep at night...because to me...there just must be a better way to care for our health and what we have now is broken.

The Big Consult at PRMA for the Mastectomy.

Yesterday, Wally and I traveled to San Antonio to PRMA. PRMA is one of the few special places in the country that specializes in mastectomy rebuilds, such as the DIEP Flap procedure I am looking for. I never anticipated EVER needing a mastectomy. My mother is 80, no cancer. But here I am, and there I was...and I was afraid I would not qualify due to my weight being higher than a perfect BMI.

Last January, I watch my friend EVA go through her DIEP Flap over the Internet. I was having my knee replacement never dreaming I would be up next for the same deal. But, it is THROUGH Eva that I am even aware of this special type of surgery that only 1 of 8 women with breast cancer are even told of. I feel blessed to have this information and I am sharing it with you.

I met with my plastic surgeon. He was extremely personable. It was obvious he actually read my information.  We talked about my diagnoses and then I put on a gown for him to look at my body and to measure my breasts and my tissues. While I am BMI 37, he said I had good tissue and strong muscles. He did tell me that I would have a 5 percent increase in issues with the skin healing most likely in my stomach incision. DIEP Flap will harvest skin from my tummy area to make new breasts and they will also give me a tummy tuck.  Three months later I go back and they tune me up, meaning they perfect the breast shape, do some lipo, and create new nipples. This is all a bit much for me to cope with if I dwell on it. Read about it if you wish with my link, but the end result is very natural, warm breasts with NO IMPLANTS.

So, the result of this meeting is positive. I get what I want. I won't know my full diagnosis until after my surgery. Chemo may be in my future, which is unfortunate. The interesting thing this doctor said was that he believed that I did have invasive cancer and that cells from it did travel to my lymphs but it could have healed up, which apparently does happen. So ask five doctors and I am sure I will have five answers, which leads to my stress as a person who wants to solve problems but I have no clear answers.

My Surgeon went to the latest breast cancer convention and he did talk about how there is good science behind how fat feeds cancer so ladies, if you are reading this and are overweight and still having fun baking and eating that stuff, please beware that in our age of polluted foods and obesidy, you could be paving your road to cancer. I also encourage folks to think about organic milk products and foods and hormone free meats.

So, I am now waiting for insurance approval and my date for this huge, life changing surgery. I am scared to death, as I will be under the knife for 8 solid hours. The first 45 minutes for the removal of my breasts that fed three babies and brought me endless pleasure  and the rest of the time two plastic surgeons will make me new ones. I am scared, but I am thankful. Thankful because I have the chance for the best reconstruction. Thankful for catching this early. Thankful for the loving support of all my friends and family who have been reaching out to me. Thank you all. Your love and support has been holding me up more than you know.

Looking from the outside in: My own denial.

Tomorrow if my big consult day. Wally and I drive to San Antonio and meet the doctor. He will look me over and figure out my plan of action. Then we wait for insurance approval and the surgery will be booked for sometime in the next few weeks. Up until now, I have easily kept the reality of my situation out of my mind. Friends look at me and have remarked how calm I seem, but it is not always thus. Ask Wally.  I told my writing group at work today, because I will be gone for a while very soon. One girl I work with sent me an email and admired my strength...but I responded how I will need courage soon.

My weak moments come at the oddest times. Yesterday, at Whole Foods, I was looking at all our healthy choices and still felt like food is like a mine field. Was it what I ate that gave me cancer?

I read an article about how excess mamograms may cause the cancer they are supposed to detect? Is that MY reason for cancer?

My mother never had cancer, nor anyone in her family. Yes, I have it on my father's side, but he never saw it until his 80s..and then it was skin cancer and caught early and removed.

So, yes, I have the "why me" times. If I knew what ACTUALLY caused it, I could stop doing that and keep from it happening again. If I had known that sooner, I could have steared clear. Right now, I don't even know the full breath of what I have or not. Each day brings me closer to my plan of action and a future without the breasts that fed three beautiful babies. My friend Carla was just joking with me how my kids should send me thank you notes for that...made me laugh.

So I am peering down at the great abyss. I am putting on my armor and walking into my tomorrow.

Cancer is not black and white, it is a rainbow...

I make decisions...that has never been my issue. Usually, I am proactive and stragtegic...that is who I am. Today, I am faced with a cancer that is not black and white. It is not this or that there is no answer yet to how to treat me...and this is why.

My path report came back yesterday and it was written wrong. On the summary it said I had only one affect lymph node with isolated tumor cell clusters (four of the little bastards). I read it over and over and finally today as I sat waiting to talk to my oncologist about what this means, I notice it said, "...shows four isolated tumor cell clusters. Each cluster measures less than 0.2 mm. These are identified insections (2A and 2F). The three nodes they took out are 2A through 2c as Lymph 1, 2D &E as Lymph 2, and 2F as the third little buger. YIKES.

The Oncologist said well, isolated is good. However, isolated cells in two places is not good. Could be two things:

1. Cells that got washed up there during the biopsies  and they are random and are no issue.

2. Cells come from a yet not found invasive breast cancer.

If you doubted you needed a mastectomy, it is now confirmed. We need to see what the pathology is before we treat you.

She did say that I have now wandered into the the "We must now treat you zone." That means I will be subjected to one of the hormone suppressing pills, but not Tamaxofin. Joy.

Next step...see my plastic surgeon at PRMA. Get my surgery type defined. Check with insurance. Get on the schedule as soon as possible. She said get on the priority list, don't wait...so this train is barreling down the track right at me and there is no time to move. All I can do is relax and accept this and be grateful this is an early cancer...at least as far as we know.

Lastly, I will need to attack my weight. This was never an issue for most of my life. I never even gained the freshman 20. When I got divorced 20 years ago, I weight only 140 pounds and was the most fit since I had three children. In six months, I shot up to 215...I am tall, I carry it well I guess, but fat has estrogen and estrogen is now evil--it feeds cancer. Thing is, I been tested, dieted, worked out and nothing has broken that 215 wall, except drugs, and I don't want drugs anymore.  Oncologist is now suggesting bariatric surgery.  It really sucks. Especially, when I done all the right things. Even my Endo shrugged and told me some folks just don't lose and he guessed I was one of those. Stress is evil.

Dancing the two-step cancer shuffle.

Today, I had to run to my breast surgeon's office. First, my right breast is very irritated, and second, my pathology report is in.

It appears, my lymph nodes had one node with isolated tumor cell clusters. What does that mean exactly? Well, somehow a cancer cell got up there. I am stage 0, so it is a very curious thing. The fact that it did not spread in the lymph nodes and that it was isolated in the sentinel node  is still considered a negative for cancer, but it is a cancer cell cluster. Confused? Join the club.

 I just got off the phone with my oncologists office, they can see me tomorrow, but only right at the time of a very important meeting at work. I am going to see my doctor because I won't sleep well until I do. My breast surgeon told me this is usually not treated, but after reading online, that methodology could be changing. What I do know, is I am not out of the woods yet until my mastectomy. I won't know until then if I have a missed and very tiny invasive breast cancer, which could explain this. She said sometimes they never find the source of these cells but had we not taken this out, it would have done something bad.

The good news is, nothing worse was found in my right breast. I also found out that my BRAC1 and BRAC2 test was negative. I take a HUGE sigh of relieve on that. In addition, I found out that my insurance denied my Lynch syndrome test, but since I am also having a colonoscopy in two weeks and if they again find precancerous polyps, that could change what the insurance will allow.

So, I am dancing the fast dance here...I am hoping to steer clear of drugs, radiation, and chemo. I am staring down cancer as hard as I can...but it is pulling a few surprise dance steps and only time will tell.

They found the chip and I got a sentinel node biopsy.

Yesterday, was rough. I got to the hospital as instructed but I was nearly two hours too early. Someone goofed. I sleeped on the waiting room softa until they called my name. Wally read a book.

First up, they needed to located the missing chip, and place a wire in my right breast again to point to it. Last time, they used ultrasound, this time I sat in a chair and did a mammogram thing. They numb the breast, insert a needle, typically, it need not hurt, but this time I felt it, they backed off to get more numbing medicine, but there was a drip, drip, drip of something coming out of my breast. I could not look, as if it were blood, I knew I might react...I sat tough...finally, they finished the procedure and I took a sigh of relief.

Next up was the Sentinel Node Biopsy. What is that? According to the National Cancer Institute:

A sentinel lymph node biopsy (SLNB) is a procedure in which the sentinel lymph node is identified, removed, and examined to determine whether cancer cells are present.

A negative SLNB result suggests that cancer has not developed the ability to spread to nearby lymph nodes or other organs. A positive SLNB result indicates that cancer is present in the sentinel lymph node and may be present in other nearby lymph nodes (called regional lymph nodes) and, possibly, other organs. This information can help a doctor determine the stage of the cancer (extent of the disease within the body) and develop an appropriate treatment plan.

How is it performed?

A surgeon injects a radioactive substance, a blue dye, or both near the tumor to locate the position of the sentinel lymph node. The surgeon then uses a device that detects radioactivity to find the sentinel node or looks for lymph nodes that are stained with the blue dye. Once the sentinel lymph node is located, the surgeon makes a small incision (about 1/2 inch) in the overlying skin and removes the node.

The sentinel node is then checked for the presence of cancer cells by a pathologist. If cancer is found, the surgeon may remove additional lymph nodes, either during the same biopsy procedure or during a follow-up surgical procedure. SLNBs may be done on an outpatient basis or may require a short stay in the hospital.

SLNB is usually done at the same time the primary tumor is removed. However, the procedure can also be done either before or after removal of the tumor.

*************

The radiologist said it would hurt or sting, it hurt a lot. I did not scream or anything but I winced and took it best I could. I felt pretty bad so they wheeled me up to surgical prep where my next wonderful experience happened. For the second day in a row, I met with some crappy vein techs. I tell them I am vaso sensitive, meaning sometimes I faint. I do not like probing around, etc. I have deep veins. I show them my best arm. Well, first tech poked me twice, dug around...I just cried.

The next tech had a very hard time, almost called for ultrasound, but finally she nicked into the vein. Thank God! How hard is this? I just wept. She did tell me to be sure to hydrate well the day ahead, so I will tank up next time to see if this helps. To me, getting an IV is the WORST park of surgury. After this, I was soon out, and the rest of things went well.

Dr. Morrison found the chip. It had floated up next to my skin, and appears she got what she needed tissue wise last time. She told Wally the initial look at things were the best of all results, which I take to mean there was no cancer in my lymph nodes, which is what it should be with Stage 0 cancer. But, as I have learned, I need to wait to hear the pathology report before I do any dancing.

Next week, I will get that report, and soon after my genetic testing should be in. On the 17th I go to San Antonio for my consult and the the real fun begins. I just hope they have a good vein tech....SIGH.

 

A bump in the road of life or how not to let cancer get me down.

Two years ago, my Second Life live music venue did a Relay for Life (Cancer Foundation) fund raiser and raised over 200 US dollars in only  two hours. For Second Life standards, that was not to shabby. My RFL sponsor  was a woman named KJ. KJ introduced me to the RFL organization, and took me to  the RFL sims where she showed me the animation builds for educating people  about cancer, showed me the RFL walk area, and showed me how to light candles along the walk for anyone I ever knew who had cancer or was fighting cancer. I lit a candle bag along the walk for my grandparents Ernest and Evelyn, my uncle Eddie, and my aunt Delores. I lit one for Mrs. Holloway my neighbor who had breast cancer years ago---the one whose death made me fear breast cancer because I saw what she endured and I prayed I would never have to walk her walk. 

In the months following, KJ disappeared. When she showed up again, she told me she had turned up with bone cancer. Her courage blows my mind and she is already running marathons. She has been there for me encouraging me now as I enter my race to beat cancer. She told me last night to
think of this as a bump in the road. I liked that analogy. She recently was promoted to principle of a school in the fall and I could not admire her more. 

This morning it is 5:17, we leave soon for the hospital. I am having surgery again. This time it is a repeat lumpectomy or chip recovery in my right breast. The surgeon could not locate it last time and since we had time, she wanted to be sure I do not have a worse cancer before I have the big
surgery in the coming weeks. In my left breast I get a sentinel node biopsy to check if my lymph nodes are clear. I am not out of the woods yet as my tests have shown. I had a benign needle biopsy, a clear breast MRI, only to turn up bad things at my last lumpectomy. 

My prayers are, that nothing worse than I had last time shows up. Only time will tell. Next week will be a big week for me. I will get the results of today’s surgery. I should also hear the results of my BRAC1 and BRAC2, and Lynch Syndrome gene tests. If either are positive, I am in for some
more surgeries, but I need not go there now. 

I have been to see an oncologist and another doctor about getting a colonoscopy, gotten a physical, and seen a gynecologist. They are doctoring me all up prior to my big surgery. My big surgery being the mastectomy/rebuild. 

I don’t know if I have more cancer in my near future. I am focused on the bump in the road. I am feeling the pressures and the tears do flow from time to time until I snap myself out of it and refocus my thinking. The mountain is before me, I’ve got my hiking boots on. I just have to get
through this and regroup on the other side. Thank you all for the kind words and support. It means so much to me.

Back to the hospital for another dance with the knife.

A friend asked me what a chip was in my breast. When you do a breast biopsy, they leave a titanium chip in to lead the way to the bad place they want removed. When you go in for the lumpectomy, they use a wire to point the way to that chip. That is done with ultrasound, local anesthesia, and a radiologist.

Today, they located the missing and illusive chip during my last mammogram (for life I hope, yay!). Before I have my mastectomy, my surgeon and oncologist want to be sure there is no further badness in my breast. On my left breast, since there was level 0 cancer found,  I need what is called a sentinel node biopsy to rule out cancer in my lymph nodes. So both my breasts will be cut again on Friday the 6th so I will hopefully know more before my big surgery. As you can see, sometimes this cancer story unfolds a bit at a time. I could find out after Friday I have invasive cancer. I could find out after my mastectomy I have more cancer. I guess, I just have to wait.

In mid July, I consult with my surgeon in San Antonio at PMRA. We will determine the type of rebuild that is best for me. I have had conflicting information that body types with higher BMIs are not recommended for DIEP flap. It has something to do with fatty tissue and healing. I guess we have another reason to be thin...and it is that some surgeons do not like how we heal if we are fat or obese. I also learned recently why being fat is a precursor for cancer. Fat has estrogen in it, and if you have estrogen sensitive cancer like I do, it is like feeding your cancer the food it loves best. Not sure why I never heard this before now.  I did ask the PRMA if my weight was an issue, and so far all I know is they will do it for people with BMIs up to 40.

What is DIEP Flap surgery? It is a type of reconstruction that takes fat from my tummy and uses it to create new breasts. This way, I can avoid something alien in my body. I already had to accept a titanium knee. I really do not like meds and artificial things in my body. I wanted to avoid implants altogether. If I do not get the DIEP surgery, what would I do? I would do some sort of rebuild involving implants.  At the end of that surgery, I will have new breasts, which type is yet to be determined.

In a side note, I admit that this process stresses me out. I got some Xanax to help, but after taking the edge off night 1, I am finding it makes me a bit loopy during the day --even though I do not take it. I think, I will only take it if I am really stressing out. I do not like how I feel with it.

Stay tuned...the adventure continues...

The Oncologist Visit...

Today, Wally and I visited the oncologist. Her name is Beth Hellerstadt. We liked her. She was bright and basically outlined the same options. If you want to save breast tissue do the drugs and radiation, if you want to eliminate cancer threat you get the mastectomy rebuild. She talked about the pros and cons. The fact that I never tolerated birth control pills and got a  blood clot from them makes me a poor candidate for Tamoxifen. She explored my family history and ordered genetic testing…I have more cancer than I should in my family. If I have BRAC1 or 2, that opens the door for more surgery. It would demand the proactive removal of my ovaries and fallopian tubes. She said that  while you are at it, may as well yank out the uterus and eliminate issues there. <Blink>

 If I have BRAC1 or 2, it would totally seal the deal on the mastectomy. Basically, she agreed my situation is enough to warrant mastectomy and to eliminate fear of a future breast cancer. Knowing I have the gene would demand it. She also took blood to test for Lynch Syndrome. Lynch Syndrome is for clusters of colon, skin, liver, and digestive cancers. It also raises risk factors for cancer in general. I have not idea what it will mean if I have that. 

The only concern she has now is my missing biopsy chip in my right breast. It was not found during my surgery and raises the question as to whether my bad tissue was located or not. They will give me another mammogram---joy. If it is still there, they will give orders for the doctors in San Antonio at PRMA to look out for things in that region of my breast. They might also take the sentinel node biopsy, so if something worse is found during my surgery that all my ducks are in a row to deal with it. 

She also advised against saving my nipple tissue. Both she and my surgeon feel it is a risk factor to cancer and she said they can reconstruct very nice ones…sigh. 

So, the ball is now rolling for a mastectomy rebuild. I am waiting to hear back from PRMA. I think the next step is a consultation, then scheduling the surgery. I will hear my genetic test results in a few weeks. This is hitting me hard now. My emotions are popping up all over the place…I asked for Xanax today, to take at night. I am a bit scared of the surgery, but know it is something I must do. I am thankful for the support and prayers from dear friends.

 

The Trader Within: When You Have to Head Cancer Off at the Pass.

It was late last week when my surgeon called me and told me I had cancer. I was driving at the time so I grabbed onto what I could from what she was saying. Today, I went to see her in the office to fully hear what she said and to understand again what I thought she said.

I have DCIS in my left breast. That is stage 0 (zero) cancer. That is the good news. If you are going to get cancer, this is the one you want to have. I also have what is referred to as busy breasts. They are lumpy enough that I never know if I have a lump to be concerned about. For years now (nearly 20) I have been going for a Mammogram, and also getting an ultrasound. Five years ago I had a lumpectomy in this same part of my left breast. Also alarming is I have at least three areas of atypia cells, that means I have very strong indicators of invasive breast cancer.

There are basically two options. I will see my oncologist on Wednesday but according to my surgeon here are my choices:

1. Take Tomoxiphen and in five years, I have to go off it. Have radiation. Pray I do not have more cancer.

2. Declair war on my cancer and remove my breasts and have them rebuilt. Wow, this option sucks big time. Cut off my breasts? What choice do I have?

If I had simple breast tissue, with a few little issues I might opt for choice #1. The fact is, I do not. I choose life. I choose not worrying about it as much as I can control that.

So, if I do this crazy surgery what does this mean? Well, due to my friend Eva, I know I have new options. I learned that being rebuilt is covered by insurance. I also learned about a new procedure called DIEP. This surgery harvests fat off my stomach (free tummy tuck) and moves it up to my breasts. First the surgeons scoop the bad tissue off from your breast. Some salvage the nipple, but that requires them leaving some breast tissue. They use a team of plastic surgeons and they work over 6 to 8 hours to connect you back up. When done you can look like this. Only click this link if you are okay with scientific pictures of breast before and after photos.

Results of DIEP surgery.

I know of two clinics so far that sound really good that do this surgery. I am told that you need to go to a surgeon that does this all the time for the highest success rate. These guys at this clinic have done thousands of these surgeries. I am leaning toward the PRMA facility in San Antonio, TX. It is about 1.5 to 2 hours from home. The other is in New Orleans. That is where Eva went and I would not mind going there either.  See the PRMA Web site. The sad thing is, most women going through cancer and rebuilds do not know of the newer options. Only 3 out of 10 women are even told about it.

I am glad that through Eva I know about this option and I do not think I have any issues qualifying to have it. Time will tell. My next hurdle is the Oncologist on Wednesday. After that I move toward scheduling my surgery.

If I seem cool and calm, please do not look behind this curtain. Remember I am a big baby. This surgery is no little surgery, but then again, neither was my knee replacement. I can hardly believe that after a lifetime of great health that I will have yet another major surgery within six months of the other...I need a vacation!

Turns out, I have breast cancer...my journey begins...

Today was a weird day. Last Friday, I had my lumpectomies, due to all the previous investigations I reported on here earlier. I called yesterday but the results were not in. At about 2 pm today, I called again...they said they would call me back...about 30 minutes later, the doctor called. Not a great sign. I was driving home. I heard her sigh and dive into all the technical things they actually found. Left breast has DCIS, a confirmed but very early cancer. There is other bad stuff in each breast...other things that my mind did not latch onto. Cancer. wow. The Big C. Me.

Next week, I see my breast surgeon to get the full results again. The following Wed. I see the oncologist. The fun begins. So far, it sounds like option 1 is chemicals and hope it goes away, or option 2 is cut the damn things off and rebuild and I am liking that better so far. I do not want to worry or keep going through this like Groundhog day. My breast tissue is very complex and messy.

Today, I talked with my friend Eva. She just had this mastectomy rebuild done. She asked if I wanted to see it. I said yes. She showed me how she looked and she looked amazing, I was blown away. This helps me not be so afriad.

My surgeon indicated my family history is such that I may need to get a genetic investigation, I am looking into that as well. This has been a wild ride. First benign, clear, then this. Shows you how they really do not know much.

Mostly, I am pretty strong. The only tears so far was knowing my mom is not really able to comprehend or understand what I am going through as her memory is a bit short these days. I know under better circumstances she would be on the phone with me and holding my hand long distance.

I am thankful we caught it early. Others are not so lucky. I will let you know how things go.

 

 

Update to my Walt Disney World Complaint

Today, I received a call from a very pleasent Maria Kendricks, a representative of Disney customer service. She was extremely polite and told me Disney cares about all of the experiences at the park. She has offered to replace our five tickets with new ones that are good for the next 20 years.

I am pleased to hear from Disney. In my response, I have thanked Maria for her response. I also left the following bulleted list that I hope Disney is listening to, because if they fixed these things, I would be happy to forfit my tickets just to know they care enough to fix this for the children. Here is my list:

• Don't make people wait longer than 30 minutes to enter the park.
• Don't make people stand in the hot sun with no shade.
• Don't have rides with waits over 30 minutes.
• Provide misters at all parks on hot days.
• Provide a water vendor near long lines.
• Manage rides so they do not break.
• Provide more benches throughout the park and more shade.
• Make the Magic Kingdom a smoke free zone.

Open Letter to Bob Iger, CEO of Disney Corporation, The Magic Has Left the Magic Kingdom...

Dear Mr. Iger:

I am writing this to you publically and posting to my friends in Facebook and my blog readers and I hope they will also repaste it to their friends.

Disneyland in CA was born the year I was born. My first trip there was when I was three, and it was magical. I went again when I was 8, and I sang at the grand opening of DisneyWorld. I went many times in all seasons and I eventually took my three children several times over the years. We always had a great time, even during busy times.

This year, I took my daughter-in-law and two young grandchildren. I wanted them to know the magic I had seen, and my children. We went on Monday, June 11, 2012 and I may never go again and this is why.

It took us two hours to buy tickets and to enter the park. It was 95 degrees and 100 percent humidity. I know Florida is hot in the summertime, but you have had 40 years to figure out how to move people into your park. It was just miserable standing in long lines for tickets with no shade, then again stand in a long line to ride either the monerail or the river boat. In this day and age where we know how damaging heat is and sun exposure, and you charge nearly 100 dollars per person to get in, it would seem the magical thing to do would be to keep us comfortable. There should be tents to shade people waiting in lines, mist machines to keep us cooler and maybe even a water vendor there as well. That would be the thoughtful thing to do. That would be top shelf customer service, besides not making us wait longer than 15 minutes to enter the park.

One I entered the park, there were so many people. I have to believe the maximum level of visitors has been increased from what it used to be. I know there are more people around than 40 years ago, but when you spend these kind of dollars, waiting in line for 1.5 to 2 hours with small children is just too much. You need to have standards. I think Walt would be so sad to see children waiting in long hot lines for hours to see the magic.

Over in Fantasyland, which is made for the children, they had signs up to park strollers. I had never seen that before. So, you have all these precious children waiting in long lines and you want them to leave the strollers behind which at least offer some sun protection? Where is the heart?

In the 4.5 hours we were there, we went on one ride, the Teacups. We registered for the fast pass for the Thunder Mountain Railroad, but by the time we made our way there it broke. The Haunted Mansion was broken. I never saw a broken ride before in Disney, but I have seen some closed for renuvention. I could only think they are breaking due to over crowding and too much demand on the systems, which are likely dated.

While walking through the Magic Kingdom, which is the most child centered park, I had to navigate through cigarette smoke. Really? You still allow smoking in the park when the more enlightened places have banned it? Is this to keep non-Americans happy? Seems you are catering more for profit than magic. I realize profit and bottom line are important, but at somepoint, when the magic goes away...what is the point? I would think at a minimum this park would be smoke free, FOR THE CHILDREN.

My grandson is 7 going on 8, at hour 4.5, with one ride under his belt he asked to go back to the hotel and swim in the pool. Wow, that is so sad. That Disney no longer is magical makes me really sad and I think Walt Disney would be very sad to see the state of affairs. I remember him at the park greeting people years ago and I felt he cared...what would he think today?

Sure, I know there are cooler times to visit Florida, I grew up there. The state of affairs I witnessed for all those precious families spending their precious dollars to do something magical was not happening and that was registered on all the hot, tired, miserable faces I was looking at. There were few benches, no misting machines and very little shade. The ride wait was too long and all this for a fat price. Why should I come back? A friend visited Universal Studios a few weeks before this and said there was no more than a five to ten minute wait for rides...that sounded great.

Anyway, I used to be one of Disney's biggest advocates. I felt Disney parks raised the bar...no more. To me all the magic has left the Magic Kingdom and I am said to report my grandkids will not share the same dreams I once shared as a child. I am not sure if the corporation cares or not...but you should.

Sincerely,

Lisa Scheuplein

The Doctor Called Today and the News is Good

One thing I love about Texas so far is how fast medical stuff happens. I had my MRI yesterday, end of day, and my doctor called me before Noon today with the results. I am happy to say that the MRI did not show any malignancies and the target areas for my surgery are the only things they are looking at. My surgery is scheduled for Friday, June 15th. I can at least go into that with a pretty high margin for safety.

They do not do breast MRIs very frequently. I got the impression they show pretty much everything. For the doctor to tell me there are no malignancies, means to me I am free and clear, but I am just learning about all this. Too bad the technology is not brought forward to scan all women all the time in a way that makes sense. I had to ask for this and they had to get approval for it to be allowed. I am a very fortunate person. Now, just one last hurdle, the surgery...and I have been there once before. Hopefully, the blood tech will be better this time.

What is a breast MRI and a few thoughts about so-called benigned biopsy reports.

I thought it was going to be like a normal MRI, where they put you in a tube and it sounds like they bang on it for a half hour. This was different.

For a breast MRI, you need an IV for a contrast dye. They then lay you on your stomach, you open up your gown , place your breasts in the receptacle, and your face is supposed to fit in another hole. Your arms are positioned to the left and right side of your head. You get to hold this position for 30 minutes...don't move, it makes the films blurry.

Because my IV was in my hand, I had a hard time getting up on the table and positioning myself.  I found the position extremely uncomfortable as the hard table seemed to push on my stomach making hard to breathe. My face did not fit well into the position either and after about 10 minutes my teeth were jamming into my lips and I had to just grin and bear it and not move, right?

Getting any of these tests done is a stress. The lone blood tech they had failed with his first attempt to get the IV in for the dye contrast. My blood pressure felt like it started to go up...I barely got through his second attempt...and then I had to just chill out and get through the next 30 minutes.

I read more today about the kind of tissue they will remove in my upcoming surgery. My reading said that 30 percent of the people having this type of preventative surgery actually do have cancer. If you do not have the surgery, 24 percent will eventually get cancer. Not of this was told to me, I guess they figure you do not need to know? Frankly, I wish the doctor would simply tell me rather than me thinking I am fine and a few weeks later I feel like I am hearing Gomer Pyle saying, "Surprise, Surprise."

Most likely, I am fine, but this preventative stuff is wearing. I will be glad to hear the results and to get through the surgery successfully. Next stop, scheduling the surgery and waiting for the results of this MRI. Did I tell you yet that I am a huge baby? Well, I am.

Saw the Breast Surgeon Today

Yes, I got an all clear from cancer…but I apparently have something that can go to cancer so they recommended I see a breast surgeon and have surgery to eliminate any threat. I was surprised to get the second call…but nothing about breast x-rays or the management of avoiding cancer surprises me anymore.

First of all, I learned that only 30 percent of biopsies turn out to be cancer. That is better than I thought. I think most of us who get a lump or who are sent for biopsies are pretty scared we might hear we have the Big C.

Today, I was not really sure why I needed to think about another surgery, so I was a little trepid about the meeting. Dr. Patricia Morrison seems very nice. She explained what I had and why it should go. She wants to do it sooner than later as it is easier to find the problem areas while they are still swollen from the biopsies but we are scheduled to go to Florida in a week so it will have to wait. I want to go swimming while I am there and enjoy the beach with my grandkids.

I requested getting a breast MRI, so we can be sure that when she goes in, that we get all the problem areas. They had to clear it with my insurance and lucky for me it will be paid for. I get the MRI on Monday.

What bums me about the whole process of removing cysts is they go through the nipple. I had this five or so years ago for another issue and they severed the nerves when they do it. It pretty much removes all sensation there. I remember asking that surgeon, after the fact, if I would ever feel there again like I used to and she looked at me like I had three heads. Like I was supposed to be thankful I did not have cancer and not worry about my sexuality. How sad is that?

 How many men would want their nerves cut in their tender areas? I hope someday, they will figure out how to do these surgeries without needlessly maiming women. I showed her my family cancer profile and I may have enough there to suggest genetic profiling. One step at a time I guess.

Just finished reading "Fifty Shades of Gray"...all three of them.

If you are currently reading, planning on reading and don’t want me to spoil the story, then stop reading this now.

 The good part is, it is a fun read and if you are looking for something like a Danielle Steele novel with more sex, then this is the book for you. I picked up these books because there was so much hype. But, it turned out, that it was nothing more than a playful love story with lots of sex thrown in. Lots of sex, probably sex that is pretty different for some folks…I heard that in some places they even band this book and after having read these books I find that just silly.

 Yes, the book touches on some BDSM stuff. Big deal. BDSM has been around for some time now. Lot’s of regular folks throw some of that in to spice things up. I think one of the things I liked about the book was the main female character, Anastasia, actually had the balls to push back on Christian (the male lead character who never know real romantic love, only BDSM…only the kind of relationships base on control). That part of the story was good and positive that he could actually change and open up and grow into a true nurturing kind of love.

What I did not like about the book was that is was not very believable and perhaps too much of a female fantasy of sorts…starting out with the bright but clumsy college graduate Anastasia, who is a virgin at the time of her graduation…a rarity at best. There is nothing wrong with that but I found it difficult to believe she would so easily be deflowered in the way she was, going not only past third base but into oral sex like a pro and loving it. For most demure women, it takes time. Each step is like a stepping stone to another, no matter how beautiful the partner may be.  It was fun to watch her be swept up by a rich man, where money was no issue, to ride on helicopters, and private planes, and to be showered upon with every gift.

 I found it both painful and endearing  to watch her have to untangle his twisted, controlling mind…to switch him from the man training a sub to one who truly care for her, and eventually actually falling deeply in love. In a way, she was truly more in control, which was interesting to watch unfold, but again a reach.

 There were some twists and turns with the appearance of a demented previous sub, run-ins with his previous DOM “Mrs. Robinson,” and a boss that eventually tried to kill Christian, Anastasia, or any member of his family for revenge. You got to have conflict.

 As a curious person, I wanted to see how BDSM was handled in this story and I am not sure if the author knows much about it or only bits and pieces. I do not practice it, but I find it curious at best. I felt that the author was trying to paint it as a dark practice at best. I tend to feel that folks who dabble in it were abused in life and confuse pain and pleasure. The author did paint it in that light and the book was basically about the undoing of Christian Grey and moving him from his abused past into the first loving relationship of his life (his loving parents and siblings aside). This was all good, but not sure how often this happens in real life, that people actually change? One quote in the third books sums this up pretty well..talking about Christian, " If you grow up with a wholly negative self-image, thinking you're some kind of reject, an unloveable savage, you think you deserve to be beaten" I have wondered myself if the roots of this practice grow from this.

 The sex was fun at first, sure a great escape. But honestly, I found it too much about the middle of book II. Too much of any good thing is too much and trust me I am no prude. There was nothing too new or earth shattering revealed on that topic either.

 I read all three books over the last week. It was an entertaining fun read, but honestly there is way too much fuss over this book. I would say Lady Chatterly’s Lover was way more intense, even with less graphic love scenes.

Trying on Texas

It is hard to believe but I have been in Texas over a year now. A lot has happened...some days it seems like I just got here. My husband and I have new jobs, we moved into a new home, I had two knee surgeries, suffered a fair amount of pain, kept working. We have spent lots of time with our family here and especially with the four grand kids. That being said, I think Texas is growing on me.

Texas was never a place I wanted to go or end up. I have driven across Texas in the heat of summer in an unairconditioned car. There was not much to be seen except dust, rock, and tumbleweed...but Texas is a big place and proud place. The big means there is a lot more than dust and tumbleweed and the proud makes me feel like I am still a pioneer in a place that is still new, vital, and growing. Texas was once its own country and there are many here who would like just that...in some respects, I might not mind that.

The people are warm and inviting. Men have manners and open the door. People are just plain nice and I enjoy that. Even at work, I find it a much nicer, more family centered place. It feels good.

The land is like California with many of the same plants. In this regard, I love it. It already felt like home. The fall, winter, and spring were perfect and I almost never even put on a sweater. That was refreshing. My recent trip to the San Francisco Bay Area showed me my blood had thinned already and I found the low 70s cold. It might be because their 70s is a cool moist one while ours is a warm one. We have lots of breezes here...the town just north of me is called Pfluegerville...I think that means Windyville in English. On hot days, it is welcome.

My daughter does not like that I am five miles east of civilization. But I like being out in the wide open spaces. I like the farms and watching the cows. I love the fields of wildflowers. The toll road near me lets me zip to work going 80 mph.

My husband mentioned that we have much more culture here than the Bay Area in many ways...when you are out in the burbs there, it is pretty much just that...but here, it is a short drive into Austin...and there is a lot of cool stuff to do there.

So, I bought my first cowgirl boots and Wally his. We got boot socks and learned how to fit boots and get them on and off...it is quite the art form. I think the dust has settled and I am liking it here and when asked if I miss MA or CA, sure I do...I loved both of those places and more importantly my friends, but Texas is a good place to be for this moment of my life's journey. And as for the rest of my life, bring it on.

What is a breast biopsy like?

Today, I had two breast biopsies. I could have had three, but one problem area was next to another and they were able to do both in one. Every six months or so I go for a mammagram and an ultrasound. This is because I have "busy" breasts and they were watching a few areas. This round those areas changed.

Most of the time, cysts or other masses with clearly defined edges are no big deal. They find them, watch them, you go home and there are no return calls. This time they said, well, we need to biospy. I had a surgical biopsy about five years ago. It was benign. That time they put me out. It was rather agressive and today I wish  I had done it like what I had today. That procedure went through the nipple and the feeling never returned to be normal. Most biopsies are benign so it is not worth getting all worked up, but it is easy to be stressed. I am stressed.

Today, I went to the Austin Radiological Association facility called the Women's Imaging Center. It is a huge facility and a radiologist did the biopsies.  They explain everything they do. Redid the ultrasound and marked up my breast for the doctor. The doctor inspected the ultrasound for himself, located the problem area, shot me up with a local anesthetic, which I was told is similar to what is used in a dental office. He removed some fluid, then dove  a bit deeper for some tissue samples. He repeated this on my other breast.

I did not look. I am too quesy. There was really no pain, only weird pressure as he pushed my breast around with the needle inside to guide it properly. Even the local did not hurt. The biopsy machine sounds a bit like a drill, buzz buzz and he has a sample...it is kind of funny in an odd way. One side bothered me more than the other, for that one I was feeling some nausea, but it quickly passed. The second one did not bother me at all.

Afterwards, I got all kinds of directions on icing up my breasts, no lifting more than five pounds (we fly to CA on Friday). Take showers but no sooner than 24 hours from now. Do not submerge the breasts until they heal, blah blah...my head is spinning. The local anesthesia has a stimulent in it...I feel like I am on speed. Blood pressure is elevated. I feel tired.  I am glad this part is behind me. I may hear as early as tomorrow afternoon. Now, the waiting begins and I am not good with waiting...one day at at time.

Facing down the big C.

On Wednesday, I go in for a triple breast biopsy. I been down this road once before and everything was fine. This time, I have something they say shows blood circulation in it and that has me a tad nervous. I am trying to get my arms around the possibility of the thing that as a child filled me with dread. My neighbor, Mrs. Holloway, had breast cancer and died several years later and watching her go through that terrified me of the big C. She was almost like a second mom to me...she was the first parent I knew to die. I hoped I would never see a bad cancer so tried to live a healthy live, but cancer, it takes no prisoners...it strikes anyone.

In recent years, my paternal aunt has fought a breast cancer and won. My cousin, Denise, is fighting for her life with stage IV. She is my age. I was told last year my paternal grandmother had a double mastectomy in the 1930s...preventative they say, but I am thinking she most likely had cancer and in those days ladies did not talk. My paternal Great grandfather Scheuplein had stomach cancer. My sister and father have both had melanoma and got it early, thank God. These cancer types are related to the bad breast cancer gene. If I get handed the big C diagnosis, I will seek out genetic testing. If I have the bad gene, I will react differently than if I do not...but I will try not to get the cart before the horse. Detour ahead...tears I have...sure...but after knee replacement this past January...the biopsies seem small. I am just angry I have to endure it...and angry I have to be strong, but it is the only choice I can make at this time. Everything happens for a reason whether I like it or not...I just try to step back and examine my life and try to make the best of the cards about to be dealt to me.

Learning how to walk again or Life after knee replacement

When I went in for orthoscopic surgery last June, I thought it was going to make me good as new. Instead, I awoke my arthritis and I became bone on bone...meaning I had very extreme pain in the 8 to 10 zone. It ended up being worse than my knee replacement that followed in January.

Knee surgery taught me about long term pain. Sure, pregnancy was painful, but it ended. I still have pain, I don't bend right yet, but I can walk, ride a bike, and try to swim and I do okay. I am literally learning to walk and bend and swim all over again. I took a yoga class last weekend and I could not do the child's pose. I could not really do a lot of the poses that put me on my knees. I wanted to cry. I have to learn to swim again too. Mostly because I lost so much strength in my right leg. I know I have to endure through these times and be glad I am doing these things. It is hard to go from being a strong person to realizing you are not immortal, nor is your strength.

When I rise to a standing position, I feel 80 years old...but once I get moving I feel ok. I am getting my stride back. Surgery was almost 4 months ago. Half my knee is still numb but I am making progress. I have been off pain meds for well over a month now. They were keeping me awake at night. I have to laugh at myself trying to garden...when I try to sit down on the ground, kneel, or get around it is pretty funny. Sometimes, I ask Wally to pull me up.

What is hard for me is what I call the queise factor. I am pretty quesy when it comes to blood and guts and things that are icky and so when I have to deal with a knee that is numb or feels icky when I put my weight on it, it holds me back a bit. When I walk there is a slight clicking. Mom mentioned that and so I was aware of it. More and more it is becoming my knee, but for now I am aware of my titanium's foreign properties. I am hoping this fades over time. I am looking forward to the day I will wake up, get out of bed and not wobble or feel the weirdness of the new knee, and walk like ME and not give it another thought...that will be the day!

At work, people still try to be nice to me and look out for me getting up or around. I am sure, to some degree, I am the cripple. That is all they have known about me. Now, I am going to turn that around and I hope that the memory of me hobbling around is gone for good. Having been pretty healthy all my life has been a blessing, so it is understandable that this threw me for a loop. Mom got her knee replacement in her late 70s and I am only 56. I am glad not to be hurting and thankful to be on the mend. I am thankful for good health insurance.

Moralist America and Campaigns

I don't know about you, but I am tired of all the finger pointing and debating over fidelity in the campaigns or office. Now that we have so much scrutiny, we are about to scrutinize leaders right out of the office and for what? Moralists? Most of the people who have screamed how moral they are just have not been caught, YET.  For one, I am not sure how many presidents in this century honored their vows...and at this point, as long as they do their job, I don't care.  Do I agree with moralist Gov. Perry that if a man cheats on his wife he will cheat in business? Hell no. I don't have to like what he does but it is his business and between him and his wife to figure out how to live.

Personally, I am sick of picking at each candidate to the point that, who in their right mind would want to run for office? Power corrupts and it is damn hard for any man in power to avoid these pitfalls...it is all a part of risk talking...I do not condone it, I just recognize that we are flawed fundamentally as humans.

I read a good piece on CNN today. This piece was on Gingrich, who I don't personally like from when he last was popular in politics and I find it humorous that the moralist right seems to be on his band wagon.  What I like best in this article is a quote. First let me post the link to the article:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/12/15/opinion/navarette-gingrich-fidelity/index.html?hpt=hp_c2

 

Here is the quote:

Gingrich needs to stop conceding so much on this issue. He needs to get off defense and go back on offense. In fact, if I were Gingrich, the next time this issue is raised, I'd turn to my opponents and say:

"Yes, I'm made mistakes. I'm not perfect. My earlier marriages were failures. Let's do this. Everyone who is flawless and who has a perfect marriage and who has never made a mistake in life can vote for you. Everyone else can vote for me. And we'll see how it goes."

There you go...I think if we are honest we would stop picking at this stuff and start talking about what really matters and that is getting this nation back on track and solving the financial crisis. Have you had enough of this BS about the personal lives of these candidates? I have.

Steve Jobs Has Died

I moved to Silicon Valley just as Steve Jobs and Apple Computer were exploding into the universe. He was this snappy young engineer with a bow tie. What I liked was the name of one of his early computers...LISA. I used to joke he named it after me...blush.

My very first computer that got me through college was an Apple clone. I salivated over having a Mac. Somehow, the pretty icons made it seem user friendly and that was good because up until this time computers kind of scared me. Steve and Apple were always big news in the Bay Area. I never worked for Apple but friends did. It was almost like a religion. You were either a Apple or a Windows person. Most of my life I was actually a Windows person.

Steve build a house in Palo Alto and it was a pretty country French home. I always thought the wild flowers in the front yard looked like weeds, but the house was cute. Some nights, when I drove by on the way home (he lived around the corner from my place),  I would see his profile in a window.  He was not as big as God just yet. His kid when to the same sch0ol as mine. My daughter painted a space alien on the school wall one year and the next year a similar one was on Toy Story. I often wondered if Steve or one of his people took a walk with him to Jordan Middle School and they copied my daughter's idea for the three-eyed little alien...but I will never know.

I moved to Boston in 97. About this time Apple was dying as a company. The stock was in the toilet. This guy in my office, Joe Smith, loved the company so much and was buying up the stock. I remember saying to him, good luck to you. I think the company will be dead in a year. Soon thereafter, Jobs returned. Things changed and the rest in history and I embrace Apple as I love the new computers, phones, and other devices. They are brilliant.  I own the stock now since it was 60 dollars. I was wrong about them, but happily so.

I used to ponder on  big men like Steve. Those who achieve so much. I have envied in my life and Steve, who was born in my year, I have envied his career and success. A few of the few people I have envied have experienced grave things. In Steve's case, this became cancer. He has fought it brilliantly, but in the end, no matter of success or money kept grim reaper away. I am still breathing and I am sure he would likely trade places with me any day. I am humbled.

As I watch the out pouring of love since his death, I think he would have been touched. I know I have been. He is a symbol of everything American. He did not even complete college, which goes to show you that no degree is necessary, only the guts to believe and love what you do. He did just that. I had heard he was a bit of a son of a bitch to a lot of people, but recently I had heard his speech at Standford from 2005. His words were very wise and his soul gentle. I wished I had known him personally. I think I would have enjoyed his brain...

Thank you Steve for all you brought to us.  Maybe he will get busy and make Heaven an even cooler place.

Religion and Politics do not mix.

Yesterday, I heard my governor and presidential candidate, Rick Perry, talk about how he knew he had peace from God about not knowing everything at the moment but (God) would reveal it to him in time. Wow, so all his thoughts are God breathed? That is dangerous thinking for anyone Christian or not. See, what folks do not get is, we are human and as such are subject to flaws. No human ever has a perfect pipeline to God. We may get it right sometimes but other times EGO steps in. I think it is dangerous to pry on the simple minded and say God tells me what to do in good time.  It really peeves me for leaders to use God to get votes. If you are a Christian or other faith, let your life so shine that it tells me...words are forever cheap. I will not vote for Perry because he is showing me he is a political hack for this very reason. My God is powerful enough to do his will regardless who is in power. Enough said.

9/11 A Day To Remember...

Where did the last 10 years go? Ten years ago, my son Jason spent a wonderful summer with us...I could not have been more happy. He interned at my company and learned about thermal engineering. My company loved him and I could not have been more proud. From this experience, he set his career and now works for Lockheed doing this type of work.

The week of 9/11 my son's girlfriend came to Boston. They spent a wonderful week together here and her ticket to return to San Jose, CA was for 5 pm, on 9/11 on American Airlines. The morning of 9/11, Wally stayed home sick. Jen, Jason, Janelle were sleeping...I drove to work taking note of the stellar beautiful blue sky day. The kind that makes you just smile. The day before at work, we suffered a layoff...I could not imagine anything worse.

I was early to a meeting and sat alone in a conference room when a co-worker sat down saying what a terrible day it was...."What? What can be worse than yesterday?" I asked. He told me about a plane hitting the World Trade Center. I asked if it was a little plane. He was not sure yet. Then someone came in saying it was an airliner...and so I jumped up and went to Jason's (my son's) cube and called home. I reached Wally and he was watching this on TV. He filled me in on what was known. As we spoke the second plane hit. Then everything started to come unglued.

Work stopped. Most of us huddled numb in front of TVs in the office. Some folks left. I was glad all my babies were at home with Wally, all except Jared...he was in California. When I moved to Boston I always said, not to worry I was only a plane ride away, on 9/11 that changed. Flying has never been the same. We watched the 9/11 events stunned. No one knew how extensive the attacks would be...or if more would come. When I got home we began trying to figure out how to get Jason and Janelle home. They were both to be back in the next week for college classes. Janelle's flight was that night and cancelled. Jason's a few days later. Janelle wanted to fly home later in the week, I said no, we cannot put you on mass transit, I do not trust it. Then plans were made to rent a car and they drove home. Not an idea that thrilled Janelle, as I think she did not care for long car rides. At least I felt safer than a plane, bus, train...

There was this man who was a consultant to Avici Systems. The night before 9/11 he asked our IT person to work late so he could return the next morning early to his new bride. He had sat in my chair on 9/10...and on the morning of 9/11, he was on one of the flights out of Boston that hit one of the towers...he perished. I later read about his wife, who was so devastated in losing her new husband, that she committed suicide. Such a tragedy! This was the lone person I knew who perished.

In November, we flew to Florida to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. I was not thrilled to fly. I watched a parent place an Elmo doll in the overhead compartment for their child. The lady next to me and I watched that together and we both took comfort in this flight somehow thinking of the children aboard. After 9/11, the economy busted. High tech lost jobs in a fashion unseen before. No one cried about our job losses, nor made a plan to keep or help us. Our investments and life savings took a terrible stumble...we never imagined them not returning to previous values and we were all invested in high tech....I lost a job and was out for 4 months. Wally, lost several and it was very difficult in sales during those years. 9/11 and the aftermath hurt us deeply, mostly from an economic level.

Thankfully, this is not the case today, though high tech stocks such as Cisco have never returned to those values... Ten years ago I worked for one of the highest IPO companies of the year 2000. I lived in my dream home, I flew with no hesitation. I had 3.5 million in stock options in a black out period, near half million in stocks, all vanish before my eyes over a period of weeks...today we have great jobs, and continue to rebuild our finances but time is short at our ages to recover that sort of money. We live near two of our children and four grand kids and life is good. I do have to say though, that the last 10 years have been a hard road, but looks rosier everyday. I do think that 9/11, and the events thereafter changed my life forever and the lives of many...and as I look out to the clear, sunny blue sky day today, I am reminded of that beautiful day and I hope the US never sees another tragic day like that one.

I want to thank my politicians....

Yes, thank you for sucking at running the US economy and running it down the toilet. We elected you in good faith, and you could not even manage a budget. Since when do we spend money we do not have? We cannot have a utopia if we cannot afford it.

Thank you for further RUINING hope by dragging out a deal to stop the US from defaulting, but that is a whole other story. While you dragged your asses, people dug in their heals, stopped spending, held their breath. This continued to drive economic indicators DOWN.

This economy is such a mess...and if you would stop playing "being an official" and doing your jobs, and not take your vacations if the job is not done, like the rest of us, maybe we would not be in this mess. I think many of you will be gone with the next election. Unless you start talking for real about CUTTING costs and balancing this budget we really do not want to hear from you.

In other words, thanks for nothing!

Ortho Knee Surgery Is Not for Sissies.

When I had knee pain over 1.5 years ago, the first doctor looked at my xrays and asked me when I wanted a knee replacement. That freaked me out and I did nothing for a long time, hoping it would heal and it did not. I did a series of therapy for it, and that did not help either. I then made an appointment for a second opinion with the doctors who see the Red Sox and New England Patriots. They said I did not need to replace my knee and gave me a shot and said if that did not work, next thing to do would be an MRI and possibly Orthoscopy.

We decided to move to Austin, so I did nothing other than more therapy to calm the pain, which helped some.

In Austin, I was referred to Texas Orthopedics. Wow. They saw me, took a new xray and did my MRI in the same day. I had my surgery within a month, my choice. I was told that in most cases I should be up and about with little pain the Monday following my Friday surgery. This did not turn out to be true.

In my case, when the doctor wentin he found two tears in my meniscus and he basically scraped off boney deposits from my knee cap and from the tops of my leg bones. The PT says this feels like a bone fracture.

I have had over four weeks of pain spikes between the 8 to 10 level...sleepless nights due to pain even though I take the meds, but I tried to pull back on the pain pills but this appears to be a bad idea. I don't take meds or vitamins easily. I just hate pills but I hate this level of pain more...so a few days ago, I decided to take my full level of meds and it SEEMS to help and I have had no pain spikes. I am finally consistently walking nearly normally except for some pain and some clicking in my knee. My PT says I have to work through the pain, build up my muscles so that the knee will work properly. I sure hope so. I been trying very hard and today when I go to therapy I will NOT be dragging my leg...haha. She yelled at me on Tuesday, but the darn thing was hurting!

I take a lot of pain. My first three tooth fillings I got without novacaine because I was too afraid of needles. In childbirth, I did not lose control even though it was not easy.  This has been weeks and weeks of pain...so after a while it drains....

I am really looking forward to getting back to the gym and working out with my trainer. I have enjoyed doing water aerobics. I really have learned to appreciate being healthy and walking....all in good time I guess. Knee surgery is definately NOT for sissies.

Our Leaders Have Failed

Time is getting short for our leaders to fix the budget and get us on track. Damage to our economy happens every day for their lack of leadership and for the fear mongering they do to stir up the "little people." That alone I think is appalling.

First of all, it was our elected officials that ALLOWED for this mess in the first place. We have the best government money can buy, not a government for and by the people. They even have their very own health care. How much of our budget is that? I say get rid of it. Not heard a word about that as part of the budget talks. I would have fired them all for getting us here in the first place.

So, here we are in this horrible economic mess and we have two sides battling and no compromise. You know, when there is no money there are no paid for items "for the people." This utopia has ended. We can only buy what we can afford...and I know that is how I live. I have no credit cards, I live on what I earn. The only card I use is my bank card. A few years ago, we decided to get real and get rid of debt. By Christmas or January, we will be debt free. It is an amazing thing, but it meant giving up some things. I for one got sick of paying interest...and as a nation we should stop relaying on that as well. It costs too much.

So, where is Donald Trump when we need him...I can hear him tell all these guys, "You're Fired!" I for one hope we vote out all the incumbents for their lack of leadership and for getting us in this mess we have today. They have failed.